Wednesday, December 31, 2014

One Good Comment Deserves a Post

In my last post I received a rather interesting comment from a "Rob" who asked some very poignant questions.

I repeat his comment here;

Honestly the bigger part of me wonders if this blog is the work of a fantasist for a few reasons, but taking it at face value i think it presents a moral dilemma and thought experiment in any case, so I'll indulge it for a moment.

I don't understand people's comments saying the discipline is 'working'. If it's working, why are you whining about it online (and why hasn't she caught you blogging, yet)? Hand on heart, do you see benefits from it or not? Is it achieving the ends she claims to have in mind, or not? If not, why is she so myopic as to not see that? Do you doubt the purity of her motive? If it is working (making you behave better), what, really, lies at the root of your complaint? Because it goes against societal norms? Because the punishment doesn't fit the crime? Because being an adult places you above the indignity of certain punishments? Because you believe in an egalitarian relationship?

You seem too well-spoken to be a poor introspector, but you don't seem to be reaching out for help so much as regaling perverts like myself with lurid stories of your wife's latest disciplinary action. If you really want help, then go deeper into what the problem is. Although you're only going to get slanted advice from a slanted audience. For what it's worth, your relationship sounds well-meant but misguided at best (simply by virtue of this blog's existence) and abusive at worst, and that's coming from someone who believes in DD as a viable relationship model.
-Rob 

I was about to reply to this comment when I thought that perhaps these complex questions deserved their own post, so here they are for everyone, but I will be speaking to Rob.

You are right to remain skeptical of what you read on the internet as I myself am when I am reading other blogs to see if there is anyone in a similar situation as myself.  Some of the stuff that I read online is so unbelievable but then I look at my own situation and then I begin to wonder.  Sometime truth is stranger than fiction and sometimes I read bonafide news stories that are so bizarre that I no longer know what to believe.

That said, I want to thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt and responding to me on the assumption that I am on the level and you did ask some difficult questions.

Why am I whining about it?  Well, I never considered what I was doing as whining so not sure how to answer that one.  I knew long before I even started this blog that I had "accepted" my wife's discipline.  Oh sure, I relived some of the struggles I had about divorce, pressing charges, leaving her, resisting.  To be honest now, I had gone through all those emotions before I even started the blog.  I came to the conclusion that I loved my wife and was willing to submit to her even if I did not enjoy it.  But I do not enjoy it.  As I struggled with this I became aware that there are many who do enjoy it.  A part of me was curious as to why they enjoyed it.   Writing this blog and venting my feelings to an interested audience helps me deal with my situation.  If you feel I am "whining" about it that's fine.  I am sure there are things in your life that you "complain" about but really don't feel the need to change or leave, perhaps your job, your relatives, your home owners association.  You are not really looking for things to change, but sometimes you just need to vent to feel better and help you deal with the situation.  For me, I have an issue that I would not feel comfortable venting about in real life.  This blog allows me to vent in a safe environment and your comments reassure me that there is a sympathetic (even if skeptical) ear.

Hand on heart?  Do I see benefits?  Well, I don't know.  Certainly I am more aware of the behaviors that displease her and she does not nitpicking either.  She has always been dominant, but not demanding.  At least not demanding in that she can't be pleased.  Certainly when she lays down the law there is little room for negotiation.   Is my behavior changing?  Yes, it is, but just because the spankings are having a positive effect does not mean I have to like them.

Do I doubt the purity of her motive?  I always doubted her a little.  I read too many blogs online and it is clear that spanking and DD role play have a strong sexual element to it.  It is hard to believe that out of all the methods she could use to modify my behavior she chose spanking.  Yes it gets my attention, yes it gets the desired results but why spanking?  In spite of her denials she must get pleasure out of pulling down my pants and spanking me.  Does she get sexual pleasure from that?  I don't know and i am less sure of that, but I have little doubt that she gets some kind of high out of spanking me.

So what is my real complaint?  What has driven me to this blog and has me describing details of my life to solicit feedback from people who I know are getting their jollies off reading about my situation?

Well, I know there are people who would do anything to have the kind of woman I have.  In reading other blogs there are many men out there who enjoy being treated the way I am being treated, but for me this is all too real.  I do not enjoy this at all.  I accept it for the good of my marriage but I hate it.  Grown men should not be treated this way unless they want to.  So yes, being an adult should place me above the dignity of certain punishments.  Children get spanked.  I was spanked as a child.  It is a demeaning and humiliating punishment, but for me as a child it worked.  I felt embarrassed and ashamed then and had a strong desire to change my behavior to avoid those feelings.  I feel twice as embarrassed and ashamed now so yes it does prompt me to change my behavior, but

Do I want help?  To be honest, I don't know if I want help to change the situation.  It is what it is.  It does help for me to share the stories of what is happening and what has happened with an audience who enjoys hearing the stories.  Why?  I guess I am curious to know why others find this enjoyable.  I don't understand what make a man want to be punished like a child.  What makes a man not want to be a man.  In some ways, I realize the spankings will continue and if I could only understand why some people enjoy being treated this way I try to convince myself that I am not that abnormal.

That said, there was a single event that prompted me to stop and wonder about the true meaning of the situation that I was in and if I was going to truly accept my situation and that was the threat of being spanked in front of Sarah.  I have come to accept that my wife will spank me periodically and I have grown to accept that as a problem of my marriage that needs to be dealt with.  All marriages have problems some big and some small.  Some so big that they can not be overcome and a couple is forced to separate.   With the exception of the spankings, I have no other complaints about our marriage.  It is a great marriage (for me) except for the fact that my wife spanks me.

My wife has often said, that if I did not want to be spanked, I could either change my behavior or leave.  Obviously I have chosen to stay.  Now Sarah (and remember that is not her real name) is different.  I know I have heard from others that I could survive being spanked in front of Sarah.  I am not so sure that is true.  I am not sure I want that to be true.

I never admitted this to the blog because I did not want to be wrong, but anyway here goes.  Here is the big idea for the new year.

Since my wife has said the only way to really avoid an ordered spanking, whether it is in private of in front of Sarah, would be to leave her.  I know that and she knows that.  She has pushed me to the edge many times with very severe, sound and embarrassing spankings all, so far in private.  She has subjected me to other humiliations, especially in the last few weeks, but I have submitted to them all in private.  She threatened to send me to the doctors in briefs.  I know for many of you this is a silly thing and don't understand what my hang up is with briefs.  Well, I have read where men will shave their pubes and go to the doctor wearing woman's panties and I don't understand how you can do that.  Just because you don't understand does not make it a big deal for me.  Briefs embarrass me and I do not want anyone to know I wear them.  My wife knows this.  I think she knows how important this is to me.  I think that is the reason she "forgot" to remind me to wear them and has remained silent on the issue why?  Because she is afraid is she pushed me too far I will leave her.  I realized that while her threat is not an empty threat, it is not like she wants me to leave her.

So the big idea?  My wife is afraid I will leave her.  For this reason, she may push me to the limit.  She may probe and test, but I think she really understands where the line is and will never push me over it for fear of me leaving.  I had a comment that hinted at this.  All these behaviors are tests to find out where that line is.  What can she get away with? (Spanking, corner time, etc.) and what will push me over the edge (public spanking, public display of underwear)

So to all the people who have commented about my last Christmas present, here is my take on it.

I will be spanked in 2015.  Those spankings will not be more frequent or severe but will be similar to the spankings I have received up till now.

She will continue to make me wear briefs,whether for her stated reasons or as a reminder of my "status" in her eyes I do not know.

I will NOT be spanked in front of Sarah because my wife fears that will push me over the edge and she does not want me to leave any more that I want to leave.

I will NOT have to wear briefs to my next physical.  My wife will remain silent on that issue.

I will continue to write about my spankings, past and future not so much because I am looking to really change the situation, but I do want and appreciate the opinion of an audience who has insight into what my wife may be thinking and planning and how to cope with my situation.

Yes, I admit it.  I am clearly in a DD relationship even if it is a little different than many of the others I have read about.  I may not consent to it, asked for it, appreciate it or desire it, but I have come to reluctantly accept it.

That does not mean I won't complain or "whine" about it in 2015.  The venting, complaining and whining about it helps me deal with it and I thank all my readers for their support in 2014 and hope you will continue to support me in 2015.  I will write about any interesting events that happen or share stories from the past if nothing new is happening.  I will do my best to write in a way that helps you with your prurient interests so that you can gleam the facts from the story but also provide you with the entertainment you need.

So that said, lets continue the game.  I made my predictions for 2015.  Anyone care to make predictions of your own?


Friday, December 26, 2014

Merry @#$%&! Christmas

Well, if there was any doubt that my wife was sending a clear message that she planned to continue to humiliate me that doubt ended Christmas morning.  In addition to all the thoughtful gifts we gave each other, I open one package and what did I find in it?  A wooden hairbrush and a package of Hanes white briefs.







I was upset when I opened the package.  I looked at her with a "why?" face.  She did not smile or laugh but simply said, "Well, you can use new underpants and a hairbrush can be used for just brushing hair.  If it gets used for anything else, well that is entirely up to you."

I put the package down, not sure how I felt or was supposed to feel.  The month of December has been very intense and can only hope that with the new year things go back to normal, even if it means the occasional spanking.

Than one more thought came into my head.  When and where did she buy these?  Did she buy them together?  Did she buy them when she was shopping with Sarah?  I wanted to ask to reassure myself she was discrete when she bought them, but another part of me just did not want to know.   All day long I kept thinking back to that "present" wondering what it all meant.  Like I said, it has been a very intense month.  I can only hope it changes soon.


Merry Freaking Christmas.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Bare Bottom Warnings

I know it has been quite a long time since my last post.  First off, I am alive and well.  One comment-er had asked if my silence was because I was spank free or if it was because I was agonizing over a traumatic experience.   Well, the truth is both.  I have not been spanked, but there has been a series of "incidents" that  I have been agonizing over.

If you recall from my past posts I wrote about an incident that happened in "A Shot Across the Bow" where my wife made my strip to my briefs and walk around the house all morning.  Well, apparently she has not forgotten how effective this was so she did it again.  I was preparing to write about that incident when she did it again, and again and again.  In fact she did it several times this month and it has left me scared and confused.  This is a big shift in our relationship and don't know what to make of it.

It started about a month ago shortly after my last post.  We were talking about New Year's resolutions and how most of them fail within the first month.  She then joked, that perhaps she should set a resolution not to spank me in 2015.  Given that we were discussing how most resolutions fail, I took this to mean that I could expect to be spanked in 2015.  She then followed up her thought with the following,

"You know, if I want to keep that resolution in 2015, you need to change your behavior so that I don't have reason to spank you in 2015.  I think for the rest of this year, I am going to set a very low threshold for your punishments, but I don't want to spank you that much.  So instead I will bare your bottom and set you in position so you can think about how close you have come to getting spanked.  We can do this for the rest of the year and come 2015 hopefully you will come to recognize your behavior to the point where you can avoid all spank-able offenses."

I of course did not like the idea at all.  It sounded like I would be having my bottom bared twice a day by her.  Of course, I really did not have the will or assertiveness to resist.  If this was her plan I had no choice but to comply.  And so it came to be.

It was as little as two days latter when I started grumbling over my wife's request to clean out the garage as there were items too close to the cars and she was worried something would get run over or damaged.  It was cold and I had no desire to be out in the garage.  After a quick warning about how my continued attitude could cross the line into a spank-able offense I was order to "bend over the arm of the couch."

I complained that she was being ridiculous, but she just calmly stated I could either take the warning or wait until the situation escalated into a "full fledged spanking."  So I decided to get it over with a lay over the arm of the couch.  She immediately pulled down the sweat pants I was wearing all the way to my ankles then returned to pull my briefs all the way down to my ankles.  She then left the room and I stayed there for over an hour bent over the couch arm not daring to move.  I felt absolutely ridiculous.

Finally she came back in told me to stand up and face her.  I did looking down at my shriveled tiny penis and thinking how stupid I looked.   She did not say anything or do anything.  I think she just wanted to see me looking stupid with my pants and undies at my ankles.  I stayed like that for about 5 minutes before she told me I could pull my pants back up and that was that. Well, I had to go clean the garage out.

A few days later, I complained about taking the garbage out to the curb.  This time, without warning, she pulled my in front of her as she sat down on the couch.  She unbuckled my pants and pulled them down to my ankles, then pulled down my briefs.  She pulled me over her lap and placed her hand on my bottom.  She gently pushed one of her fingers ever so slightly between my butt checks and then sat like that for about a half hour.  I felt violated, even though it was my wife.  The whole time I laid there shivering at the helplessness I felt laying like that across her lap.  She then let me get up, pull my pants up then ordered me to take out the trash.  Of course, I did it immediately this time.

Another day, I was late coming home and when she asked me why I was late, instead of just telling her about the heavy traffic and having to stop and gas up the car I yelled at her.  That one, I felt bad about.  I don't know why I yelled at her.  I was stressed about the traffic but that was not her fault and I should not have yelled at her.  I actually expected a real spanking for that one.  She ordered me up to the guest room and I figured it was going to be the real deal.  I was ordered to strip down to my briefs and I quickly complied, the whole time begging for forgiveness and leniency.   Once down to my undies I was ordered to place myself over three pillows that she stacked in the middle of the bed. So there I was butt high up on the pillows laying down on the bed.  She came up to me and I flinched as I felt her hands on the waistband of my briefs.  She slowly pulled them down and all the way off until I was completely naked over the pillows.  It made me wonder why she didn't just ask me to strip naked.  I guess she enjoys baring my bottom herself.

So I laid there shivering and I heard the belt being retrieved from the closet and I felt my eyes water slightly in anticipation of the belt smacking down on my tender bottom.  I nearly wet the bed when she gently placed the belt across my bottom then walked out of the room.  She left me my like that for an hour before returning, picking up the belt and placing it back in the closet.  She then told me I was free to get up and go downstairs if I wanted to, but that I was not allowed to get dressed.  I asked if I could at least have my briefs and she said, no.  I was to remain naked until the morning.  So deciding I did not want to be down in the living room and kitchen all night naked, I went to the bathroom, took a shower and read in bed until I fell asleep.

Another day, I was driving with my wife and got a little "irate" at another driver.  Well as soon as we got home and took off my jacket she grabbed me, stood me in front of her and began unbuttoning my jeans.  When I protested as to why she was doing this she reminded me of the "road rage" incident.  I complained that me expressing an opinion about my fellow drivers was hardly road rage. Nonetheless, she informed me that I should show more patience and restraint while driving.  So soon my jeans were at my ankles and she started leading my over to a corner of the living room and I hobbled along, pants at my ankles restraining my movement.  I felt so ridiculous.  She pushed me into a corner and as soon as I was in the corner she pulled my briefs all the way down to my ankles and left me there for nearly 2 hours.  She finally called me out of the corner and ordered me over to the couch where she was sitting.  I shuffles over to her, pants and undies still at my ankles and when I got there she gently guided me over her lap.  She placed her hand on my bottom and then spread my cheeks wide.  I shivered as I felt the cool air brush across my exposed bottom hole.  She kept my cheeks spread for a minute or two and I trembled at the exposure.  Eventually she released my cheeks and after a few more minutes of being over her lap she stood me up and told me I could get dressed.

It has been a very confusing month.  So while I have not been spanked, I have been walking around totally on edge never knowing what little slip up can cause my pants and underpants to be pulled down and then be placed in one of several vulnerable positions that she has had me in.  Also, there has been no sex this month at all and while it seems like my wife is baring my bottom and as a consequence, exposing my penis and testicles to her frequently, I have not seen my wife naked or touched her in just about a month.  As a result I am not sure how to think of her anymore.  Oh she is still my wife, but it is clear to me she is denying me access to her body while she is constantly exposing me and humiliating me for the slightest offense.  I almost wish we would go back to the way things were.  Having to deal with the occasional painful and humiliating spanking was bearable when they were few and far between but these frequent "warnings" at the slightest misstep are becoming very stressful.

Now I saved the worst, but not the last incident, as the last one I will discuss.  It was last weekend and Sarah, who I have spoken about often on here, was due to come over to meet my wife and they were planning on going out Christmas shopping.  My wife was asking about some gift ideas for my mother and wanted to know if I wanted her to pick something up for us to give my mother.  Now I don't know why I did what I did.  There has been a lot of stress at work as we try to close out the year, but I know that should have nothing to do with my wife or mother.

Anyway, I actually just replied that "I don't F***ING know what to get my mother!."

As soon as those words left my lips I knew I was wrong and immediately apologized.  My wife replied, "Well, I am glad you realized that there is no call for that kind of response to s simple question.  Especially since I know you have a lot going on and I am trying to help you out by picking something up for us to give your mother."

"I know, I am sorry.  I don't know why I said that."

My wife just shook her head and said, "Well, as you know we are in this strict warning period, so I will not spank you for something you immediately recognize as a mistake, but you know we need to bare that naughty bottom of yours as a warning,

I swallowed hard and began shaking.  I remembered that day that I posted about in 'A Shot Across the Bow' and remembered how freaked out I got standing around in my underpants in the living room thinking she was going to let Sarah see me in my underpants.  Lately, it had been bare bottomed or even completely naked.  I assumed she was going to either make me bend over the couch or stand in the corner with my bare bottom on display until Sarah arrived.  Like the last time I figured she would allow me to run upstairs at the last moment and get dressed.  Instead of pulling my pants down right there in the living-room she ordered me up to the guest room.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

When we got to the guest room it was the same as before.  I was ordered to strip to my underpants and lay over three pillows she stacked in the middle of the bed.  So once again I was butt up over the three pillows.  She then pulled my briefs down, but this time she left them at my ankles.

She then said, "You are to remain like that until I tell you to move.  You are not to turn around or look away from that wall.  If you do, you will be spanked.", she paused for a second and then very sternly asked, "Is that clear?"

I meekly replied yes.  I then heard her walking downstairs.  About an hour later I heard the door bell ring and I heard Sarah come into the house.  About a half hour later after that I heard someone coming up the stairs.  I assumed it to be my wife.  I heard her come into the room but she did not say anything.  I laid there heart pounding in my chest not sure who was behind me.  I felt so helpless and vulnerable.

I quietly asked, "Honey is that you?" but I got no reply.  I was really trembling now.  A horrible thought filled my mind, I thought, Oh my God, its Sarah.  She actually allowed Sarah to come up and see me laid out helpless and exposed like this.  I became aware that the position I was in left my butt cheeks slightly spread and I clenched in reflex at the thought that she was behind me staring at my unprotected bottom.  I also realized that since my undies were at my ankles, not only was she witnessing my bare bottom but the tighty whities clinging helplessly to my ankles.  I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason having them clinging to my ankles like that was worse than if they were taken completely off.

Again I quietly asked, "Honey, is that you?"  Again I received no reply and again I figured that was proof that it was Sarah.  A part of me wanted to turn around and confirm my worst nightmare but I remembered the warning my wife gave me if I was to turn around.  I would be spanked and if I was to be spanked, Sarah would get to see it.  I could not believe my wife would do this to me for such a tiny little slip up, which I immediately apologized for.  As I became overwhelmed with emotion I began to cry.  Soon I was softly sobbing and tears began to stream down my cheeks.

As the tears began to flow freely and I fought to keep my sobs quiet I finally heard a voice behind me, "OK Honey," my wife's voice quietly spoke finally.  I felt a wave of relief spread over my entire body  and I took a deep breath in relief to clear my head and felt the strangest sensation spread out from my bottom hole and shoot out down my legs and across my body.  It was really weird.

She told me her and Sarah were leaving now.  That I was allowed to pull up my underpants and put on a t-shirt, but I was not to put pants back on until she returned.  I was free to move about the house as I desired, but that Sarah would be coming back to the house when they were done.  She turned to leave and I immediately grabbed my underpants and pulled them up and had a t-shirt on before their car had even backed out the driveway.  I quickly went downstairs to get something to eat, but had half an ear on the door and was prepared to run back up the stairs at a moments notice.    I ended up spending most of the day upstairs and when my wife and Sarah finally returned several hours later I was safely upstairs.  My wife came up looked at me in my t-shirt and undies and told me I could get completely dressed and come downstairs if I wanted to.  To tell you the truth.  I did not want to so I just got dressed and stayed upstairs until Sarah left about a half hour later.

There have been 2 other incidents since this one, all similar, but I think by now you get the idea of the hell I have been going through.  Now I will have to see what the new year brings, hopefully it will be a spank free year, but I do not know if these bare bottom warning session will continue or not.  I actually find them worse than the spankings, which hurt more of course, but they were less frequent.  These bare bottom sessions are happening so frequently that they are effecting my thoughts 24 x 7.  This is definitely a significant change in our relationship.  I only hope it end soon.