I know it was been a while since I posted, sorry but I have been doing a lot of thinking.
First off, sorry that I have not responded to the many comments that so many of you were kind enough to provide. I will make some general comments and apologize for not responding individually.
First, to those who are encouraging me to talk this out with my wife, I want to I really do but I just haven't found the courage to yet.
For those finding older post and suggesting I should be forced to wear panties and a bra, you are just projecting your sexual fantasies onto my situation. In some ways, I am OK with that, but I also realize it is just fantasy and not relevant to what is really happening with me.
For those who are making comments that I got what I deserved I have to admit I do feel a little like I got what I deserved. It pains me every time I think about that spanking and how I cried, but I realize I freaked her out. She was scared and angry and I realize how selfish I was, but that said, there was another comment as to what would happen if it was me that did that to her.
While I was not brave enough to talk to my wife about this I am sorry to say that I did reach out to a lawyer anonymously, not my friend, I called one from a phone book ad. Even speaking anonymously, I was really nervous but managed to squeak out the story and asked if I wanted to, and I was not saying I did, could I bring my wife up on assault charges.
First, he told told me he specialized in criminal defense and not prosecution, but here is what he said. By the letter of the law she could be arrested and charged with domestic violence.
He did warn me that as a defense attorney, he would make the case that this was consensual sex play. He said if she punched me, kicked me, hit me with a two by four across the head it would clear she was assaulting me. But if the only thing she ever did was hit me with a belt on my buttocks, I would have a very hard time of finding a jury who would believe that a man would submit to a spanking from his wife if it was not consensual. He apologized (I guess implying I was a wimp) but said if I really didn't want to be hit by her I needed to leave the house the next time she tried it. If she tried to stop me I should call the police, but under no circumstances should I hit her or even push her. He said unfortunately while the law did acknowledge that men could be abused by their wives, if there is any doubt as to who the aggressor was, police tend to assume it was the man. If hey show up and there are any injuries on her, even if my buttocks was bruised, I would probably be the one to take the ride. I thanked him and hung up the phone wondering what he must have thought of me. He was serious and professional on the phone, but I am sure I am the talk of the water cooler now.
I don't want my wife arrested but the reality that I probably could not make the case if I wanted to makes me realize the predicament I am in. I am not sure anyone would believe this is anything other than consensual sex play.
I have to get up the nerve to talk to my wife. Somehow if I found out she was doing this for sexual pleasure I think I could accept that. I am afraid to ask as I am not sure how I would feel if she really just thought she had the right to treat me as a child.
Central to any good coming from such a talk will be knowing what you want to say. Do you want simply to have your feelings heard and acknowledged? Do you want to know her feelings and wishes (bearing in mind she may not answer in the way you want or expect)? For instance, as regards your last paragraph, what if she does get pleasure AND thinks she has the right to treat you as she has been doing? Do you want a moratorium on spanking for a while? Do you want to continue it but with defined rules and consequences to which you've consented in advance? Have you identified any things you would definitely be willing to do, or definitely be unwilling to do (deal breakers)? It would only be the greatest of luck if you said "I don't want to be treated like a child" and she knew exactly which behaviors you meant, let alone agreed to that.
ReplyDeleteWhile there's no way to know ahead of time just how such a talk will go, you can help yourself by looking at your side of the relationship ahead of time. If it's all confusion to you, talk to a counselor first. Thanks for updating.
I think you need to ask yourself WHY you are afraid to talk to your wife about this. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that she'll leave you, is that it? I think if I was your wife I would be more hurt that you'd spoken to a lawyer about this issue before speaking to me? WHY are you afraid to bring up this matter with her. Choose a time when you're both happy and relaxed. Tell her honestly how the spanking makes you feel. Perhaps even think of suggestions you can offer her as to how the behaviours of yours that irritate or upset her so much can be addressed. You really need to talk with her sweetpea, You should by now have some understanding of your wife and how she might react and this should help you know how to broach the subject.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
Vianne
As I've noted before, the only way to resolve this issue is by talking to your wife. If it worries you that she might react by giving you another spanking, why not invite her out for the evening to someplace quiet, like the corner of a bar or restaurant and quietly talk things over? She can't very well do anything other than talk - or leave.
ReplyDeleteWhat interests me in all this is that your wife clearly has a dominant streak and you have a submissive side. Did you not see this in the early stages of your relationship? Something must have attracted you to her? I've said before that, if you wish for the relationship to continue, then you have to make compromises on both sides. As anonymous suggests, try to offer options to help address the issues she has with you. And look at the positives of your relationship too.Being spanked against your wishes is a big deal to you but how does it stack up in your overall relationship?
The one thing you are unlikely to change is that basic psyche so she will always be dominant, you will always be submissive. She is always going to be controlling so it's best to work out whether you can accept that long-term and realise that even if the spankings stop short-term at your request, in the long-term she might expect you to submit to them again.
You said that some people have projected their fantasies into the comments made here. What you have to realise is that many of who have responded live in female-led relationships that were often initiated by us males who have a 'kink' interest in CP or Femdom. Please also realise that some of us are now punished way beyond our original fantasies and, believe me, it's far from pleasant. However, CP is something we submit to for the long-term good of our relationship because we all have a submissive side and enjoy the love and attention of a dominant partner.
As far as reporting your wife, your lawyer contact was spot-on I guess in that no court will rule against your wife if you have willingly removed your pants for a spanking.
It is clear to me now that she "tested" me before we got married. I don't know why I submitted and continue to submit, but there is no kinky side in me. I never once thought she would spank me for complaining, she didn't seem to be that vindictive. We did speak and she was reassuring and comforting and felt confident that my behavior could change but also made it clear she would continue to spank me if the behavior continued. I think you are right about the submissive streak in me. While I may not be into the kink of this, I think she knows in her heart of heart that I will beg, plead and try to bargain my way out of a spanking, but that ultimately if she decides she is going to spank me I will probably submit to it.
DeleteI honestly am stumped. You are not willing to just talk to your wife, but you would contemplate having the police do it for you?
ReplyDeleteMan I have to be honest, you need help. I am not sure why you are doing what you are doing but it is not rational. I really hope the best for you, and you seem like a smart, articulate man who just has an issue. We all have issues.
I am begging you, just go tell your wife how you feel. I think it is likely you can overcome this and stay married to her, but if not than you have a whole life in front of you and YOU control your deal. So take life by the horns, take control for a while and just tell her how you feel.
Now I am going to hit you with reality. If you do not go talk to her than you deserve no respect until you do. You are worried about being a man, than go prove it to yourself you are and stop fucking around.
I really hope the best for you but this needs to get done. If she wants to dump you because you confront her with this than you need to move on, so there is no risk, you win no matter what unless you stay in the world you are playing around in
KL
Thanks for the blunt pep talk. It may not have gone the way I planned but at least we started talking.
DeleteI'm surprised to hear that you directed your attention and energy to talking with an attorney than your wife. It's often easier for people to be sympathetic listeners when they talk as soon as possible, before each settles into their own independent memories of the event.
ReplyDeleteGo and reread all the past advice, think carefully about what you want to say and what boundaries you'll enforce and have the conversation.
WhMs pointed to an important distinction in the previous post: confronting the issue with your wife vs. confronting your wife with the issue. Obviously this post along with 'Implied Consent' show a mindset more in keeping with the second type of discussion. You might get better results with the first.
Thanks. Again, talking to the lawyer was anonymous and out of curiosity. We did talk. You can see the results of that under "pillow talk" if you have not already.
DeleteThe fact is, you are in a 'Femdom' releationship. Perhaps not the sexual fantasy that many men have or wish for, but it's the hard reality of it. Your wife dominates you and you allow her to do it.
ReplyDeleteYou can accept this, and realize your wife WILL treat you as a child of you piss her off, or say things she doesn't like, or for any other reason she feels like.
Or, you can say no. This is not what I signed up for, I don't want to be spanked, I'm done.
What you can't do, or shouldn't do, in my opinion, is try to rationalize this into something else. Coming here an asking, essentially 'Hey guys, is this normal?' or "Hey, I should feel ok about this, right?'
No, it's not 'normal'. There are guys *dying* to be in your shoes, but if you aren't one of them, you need to either get out of the marriage or tell her it's going to stop.
My advice: stop fighting it. You are submissive. It doesn't mean you always feel 'submissive' but the pendulum swings back and forth on that, doesn't it? It takes a very submissive guy to accept the way that you have been treated, surrender to that and explore it, take it further and you might just be in for the ride of your life.
For now I am staying on the ride, but the spankings are only a small part of it. Yes, I have come to accept that I am submissive. It doesn't mean I have to like it.
DeleteWell said, As a spanked husband myself I agree with your thoughts. Relax, obey your wife and take her discipline when she feels you need it. The end result will be a happy marriage.
ReplyDeleteDavid
Thanks David,
DeleteI am glad you enjoy being spanked. For now, the spankings are few and far between and the rest of our relationship is good. So we already have a happy marriage.
I agree with both of the above comments. I once had some misgivings about my being a "spanked husband", but I came to accept it as I realized that this was the best way to deal with my (frequent) misbehaviors. A sound paddling (or a brisk whipping) will relieve tensions - on both sides - and may lead to some pleasant "making up" afterwards!
ReplyDeleteThanks. So far no "whippings" per se. The spankings, while painful, are moderate. There is no "making up" afterwards. My behavior is forgiven and we go on from there. It may be a few days before we have sex again. Not that she is punishing me by denying me sex. Quite honestly, I feel bad about the spanking and the behavior that led to it that it usually takes me a few days to get back in the mood.
Delete