Roll Over

Well, I guess with all the running around, late nights and other activities that go with the holidays I ended up coming down with a rather nasty virus.  I woke up on the Friday after New Years with a sore throat, aches, chills and that nasty can't stay awake felling.  After a while I went back up to bed.  Later my wife came in with a pitcher of water and told me it was important for me to drink a lot to stay hydrated.  She felt my head and told me I felt really hot and she was going to take my temperature.  She then went into the bathroom where we keep the thermometers.

To my surprise she came back with the rectal thermometer and a jar of Vaseline instead of the oral thermometer.  Now if you recall from earlier posts, there was a time awhile back when I had a stomach virus and was throwing up and she took my temperature rectally.  I actually found that time to be a good feeling, but given how our December went, I was very protective of my bottom and did not enjoy the constant attention my backside was getting from her and was in no mood to have my temperature taken that way so I spoke up.

"Honey, I don't need my temperature taken that way.  I am not throwing up.  Go back and get the oral thermometer."

She simply dismissed my request and said, "I think it would be better if I take it this way."  She then pulled back the sheets and blankets and asked me to "roll over onto your stomach."

Again, I was in no mood and replied, "You are not going to take my temperature that way.  I will go get the oral thermometer." and started to get out of bed.

She gently guided me back down onto the bed and softly began, "look honey, its no big deal and I will be gentle but I really think it would be better if I take your temperature this way, so roll over and relax."

Now I was starting to get a little annoyed.  Here I was sick as a dog and she just can't let it go and wants another excuse to pull my pants down and dominate my bottom.  I stared at the thermometer and the jar of Vaseline on the end table  with a strange tingling from the thought that she wanted to violate me with it.  I was not having it.

I sat up in bed and looked her straight in the eye and as assertive as I could I said, "Look I am not a little boy.  I am not having my temperature taken that way.  I am sick and in no mood for your games.  If you don't want to get me the oral thermometer than just leave me alone and let me sleep."   I started to cough from the speech I had just given.

My wife placed her hand on my forehead and then on my back and declared, "You are really warm.  I really want to take your temperature and I am sorry you feel the way you do about the rectal thermometer, but honey, for some reason, you never seem to get an accurate reading from the oral one."

I looked at her confused and asked "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I couldn't help but notice that every-time you take your temperature orally it come sup around 97 degrees.  That can't be right."

"Well, you know normal doesn't have to be exactly 98.6 you know,"

"Yes, I know that, but the day you had the stomach virus.  You felt really warm to me and when you took your temperature it was 97.5.  An hour later when you were throwing up and let me take it rectally it was almost 102."

"So what?" I said, "it probably was just higher then.  Besides, you took my temperature orally after I stopped throwing up and said it was 100."

She looked down slightly and replied, "Actually it was only 98.  I just said it was 100 because you still felt warm to me.  I suspected if I took it rectally again it would have been 100,  I just didn't want to subject you to another rectal temperature.  I figured you were getting better and that was all that mattered."

To tell you the truth, I did not believe her.  "You are such a liar.", I accused her.

She looked at me with concern and said, "Look, you are clearly running a fever.  If I take your temperature orally and it come up less than 99 will you let me take it rectally?"

I looked back at her and feeling the way I felt, she was right.  There was no way I was not running a fever.  I had not yet drank any of the water she brought up so as I swirled warm saliva around my mouth I figured she had a deal.  She went and got the oral thermometer and I heard her washing it and then she came and as she placed it in my mouth she warned me to make sure it was under my tongue and that I kept my mouth closed if we were to get an accurate reading.  Now I did my best to keep it under my tongue but I was having trouble breathing through my nose with the congestion and I was coughing a bit, but still, I did not see any reason why we would not get an accurate reading.  After about 30 seconds, the thermometer beeped, she took it out and immediately showed it to me.  It was reading 98.3.

I stared at it in disbelief.  There is no way that the thermometer can be off that much just because of me.  Perhaps the thermometer was broken.  It could not be my mouth that did not work.

She replied, "I take my temperature with this all the time.  When I have a fever I get a reading and my normal seems to be closer to 98,6.  Your normal is 97 and when I see 98 or 99 for you your actual temperature is probably much higher."

I still sat there shocked in disbelief.  "I don't care," I pouted, "I don't want my temperature taken that way.  This must be some trick of your because you just want to pull my pants down and stick that thing in me."

I mean think about it.  This had to be a scheme on her part.  What would be the odds of having a wife who just finished a month of using every excuse to bare her husband's bottom all of a sudden have a husband who has a freaky mouth that oral thermometers don't work on?  It was clearly a trick on her part.  I figured she probably brought the water up figuring I would drink it before she took my temperature and not realize I did so that my temperature would be low.  But I did not drink the water.  Perhaps my temperature really wasn't that high.  I mean if she took it rectally and got 100 she would be like, 'see I told you', but rectal runs about a degree higher anyway.

She replied, "Look, I am worried.  You look pretty sick.  It is dangerous for adults to let their fevers get too high.  I just don't think I get an accurate reading from the oral thermometer.  You told me if we got a reading of less than 99 you would let me take it rectally.  I know you are embarrassed from all the bare bottom warnings you got last month and associate this with punishment but come on.  Given all the times I pulled your pants down, what is the big deal with this?"

She was clearly playing a psychological game with me and she was wining.  My eyes started to water up and I felt a tear slip down my cheek.  "I don't want to be treated like a little boy anymore." I practically cried.  I was angry with myself.  I was being assertive and standing my ground but she once again broke me and had me begging her to leave my bottom alone, only this time it was from the thermometer and not the hairbrush or belt.  "Please honey, I don't want my temperature taken that way,"

She just looked at me and said, "We had a deal.  If the oral reported 99 or less you were going to let me take it rectally.  If the rectal come back less than 100 I promise never to take your rectal temperature again."

I replied back, "Well rectal usually runs about a degree higher."

"Yes," she replied, "we got 98.3 orally.  So if we get over 100 rectally that is more than a degree and a half higher.  I am not trying to embarrass you.  I just think there is an issue with you and oral temperatures that's all."

I still did not believe her but I suppose I did make this deal with her.  God help her if I find out she has a trick thermometer or something.  I reluctantly roll over onto my stomach and without any further discussion she pulls my sweatpants and underpants down to my knees.  I watch as she turns the thermometer on dips it into the Vaseline and then gently spreads my cheeks.  I feel a slight chill as the cold air hits my backside and flinch as I feel the slippery tip of the thermometer touch my butt hole.  I take a deep breath as she gently inserts the thermometer.  I can't believe she manipulated me into this.  I hated her for this.

I laid there sulking, her hand resting on my backside gently holding the thermometer.  After a few seconds the thermometer beeps and she immediately pulls it out and shows it to me before she even looks at it herself.   I stare in horror at the greasy probe slightly brown tinged and think about where it had just come from as I feel the slight slipperiness between my cheeks confirming the recent violation of my bottom by the thermometer.  As if that was not horrible enough, there on the display was a whopping 101.2 temperature being displayed.  I could not believe it.  There had to be something wrong with that oral thermometer.  There had to be.

"Well?", she asked seeing the look of surprise on my face.

"It's 101.2." I  reply softly.

My wife looks at it herself then takes a tissue to wipe off the grease.  "I am so sorry honey," she starts in a soft and consoling voice. "I don't know why but I get the impression oral thermometers just don't get accurate temperatures on you."

"Well, that thermometer must be defective.  You tricked me to get my pants down again."

"Honey, after last month, do you think I need to trick you to get your pants down?  If I wanted your pants down I would simply pull them down.   Look, when you are feeling better you can experiment with this thermometer.  You can run some hot tap water and compare reading between this thermometer and the kitchen thermometer.  In fact I already did this when I was wondering why your oral reading was way off.   I can buy another thermometer, but I just think there is an issue with you and oral temperatures."

Now the whole time she was lecturing I was still laying there with my pants and underpants around my knees.  I felt so stupid. I should have pulled them up the second the thermometer came out but I laid there waiting for permission to get dressed and it was not quick in coming.

I know strange things can happen but come on, she spends the month of December pulling my pants down at the drop of a hat with the promise that it was to decrease the amount of spankings I get in 2015 and here we are, not even 2 days into the new year and she found a non-spanking excuse to get my pants down and shove a thermometer up my bottom.  Oh don't worry I will be checking that thermometer out when I get better.  There is no way my mouth is defective.

Anyway, after a while she tells me she is going to get some Advil to help lower my temperature.  When she leaves I take the opportunity to finally pull my pants up.  She comes in gives me the medicine, kisses me on the head, tells me to drink plenty of liquids and get some rest.   After a while I finally close my eyes and get some sleep.

The whole time I was sick she took my temperature both orally and rectally and recorded the results.  Every time, the oral reading was way off.  The oral never got above 99 and never got below 97 no matter what my rectal temperature was, which was as high as 101.8 at one point and as low as 98.1 when I was eventually over this completely.  I have yet to test the oral thermometer on a glass of water of know temperature but there is no way that thermometer is not broken.  I am sure my wife knew that and planned this whole thing out as an excuse to keep my pants at my knees as much as possible.

Now that I am back to normal, I am sure she will soon come up with another reason to bare my bottom.  Only time will tell, but now I am on edge wondering when and where that will be.